Commitment in friendships; is it a thing?

Yvonne looking beautiful.

 

Once upon a time, I was having lunch with two friends and one was talking about how her boyfriend doesn’t make time for her anymore. She complained for hours about how he would answer her texts two days after she sent them and say how deeply sorry he was only to do it again. He also claimed he was too busy to call or see her – although they were in the same school and their departments were separated by a ten minutes’ walk.

We listened to her rant about how sad and tired she was (because we are awesome friends). And the only reply my other friend gave her was, ‘if he still loves you, then he can never be too busy to send a text at least once every day’. As the supportive friend I was, I shouted, ‘sense o! That is very true.’ But until this year, I never really understood that statement.

Did I have first-hand experience on commitment?

Did I believe the statement? Yes, it did sound true in my head and when I observed relationships around me, I could see the authenticity of that message but had I experienced it as a person? No!

You see, I never really had close friends before December 2018 (when I met a close friend of mine, Prisca). Yes, I had friends but they almost seemed circumstantial. There wasn’t any form of commitment and it almost seemed like a thing that would pass as soon as we found ourselves in another situation. An instance is when I go to school, some of my classmates almost seem like my best friends but the moment I leave my class, I only remember them when I pick up my book or pen. Lmao. I do love them and I wish them well but it is what it is.

My personal experiences

Prisca was the first person that taught me what commitment meant. Before then, I was bad at it. She would text me and I would text hours later. She would then send me the dark moon emoji and demand me to give her a reason for my absence. I would avoid the message for hours while trying to think of the best excuse to come up with but time would pass and nothing! Hours later, I would shamefully go to her DM and apologise, only to do it again. It became better though. After the annoying hands of guilt and shame hit me on the face, I started showing up and when I couldn’t, I informed her with an, ‘I’m really busy, would call you later’ text. And I always made sure I called.

Another friend of mine, Praise also taught me a bunch on commitment. When we don’t talk for days (because of his absence), he would send a really long message; carefully stating his reasons and apologising for not informing me beforehand. He might have been very busy and wasn’t just free to talk but he didn’t use that as an excuse. He always acknowledged the fact that he wasn’t there.

Still, the statement – Anyone who cares can never be too busy for you – really showed up in my life this year.

You are now wondering how? Did she meet the man of her dreams? Did Timini Egbuson throw away his Bachelor life and decide to become the reason for her throbbing heart?

Unfortunately, none of these happened. But something did happen.

Anyone who has held my phone this year has seen the beautifully put-together pictures with words written underneath them that I have as my lock screen. That picture is my goal board for 2020. And one of the goals there is ‘meaningful relationships’. I set this goal, hoping to meet with people I really wanted to be around.

This was after I noticed that the friends I had were not of my choice but of circumstance.

I wanted more friends that I could say I chose to be with and not ‘I met them in class, they seemed cool and yeah, we are friends’. Those kinds of friends are cool and all but I needed my circle. The kind of people I could call at night after crying all day and wouldn’t feel any sort of way after. The kind of people I could rant to about how stressful my day was and they would understand. I wanted people I could be vulnerable with, so I prayed to find them (thanks to Salem’s advice that he doesn’t really know he gave me) and I got them (well, still getting them because this circle isn’t done yet. lol).

These friends – I made conscious effort to be – with taught me a lot about being committed to people. And I almost feel ready for the bones of my ribs and the tendons of my bones. Leemao!
But one of them made the most impact. I’m not saying his name but I met him at an event, thought he reasoned like me and CHOSE to be his friend. The keyword is chose if you can’t see the highlighted bold text before you.☻

He is a really busy person and one of the most hardworking people I know. He is always trying to meet a deadline or working on a personal project or heading a team. He is usually only free at night and I am never free at night (I’m always so busy snoring and dreaming of the speech I would give when I finally become queen of the world). And because of that, we don’t get to talk every day or every two days but a week doesn’t go by without him sending a really long text that would exhaust everything he could have told me all week if he weren’t so busy. It did feel weird the first time, not being used to it but I could see how natural and effortless it was for him, so I adapted. I started replying his messages with long messages of mine until it became a tradition.

I think I am actually the only one that sees it as a tradition. He probably doesn’t know he is doing anything.

Do you see where commitment comes in? Can you see how commitment mutates in different situations? We didn’t get to talk a lot but we were still committed to each other as friends.
If you got to this point, then I must be really lucky.

You are probably thinking: what is the point of everything she has said or rather wrote?

The point is:

Nobody is ever too busy to check up on their priority – except you are not on the first five pages of their priority list.

The busiest person would put in that effort. He/she would make time and when you can’t see that effort and you feel some sort of way, do not feel you are wrong for feeling that way. Demand a reason. Don’t quote me wrong. I didn’t say call the person at midnight and shout about how the person is the worst person on earth because the person didn’t reply the message you sent one hour ago. He/she could actually be sleeping.

Context always matter too. Put yourself in the person’s situation. Be thoughtful.
And yes, this is me breaking the table of those that are always quick to say: you don’t owe anybody anything.

You actually do. You owe your loved ones attention, love, care, listening ears and more. You owe your girlfriend (wife) a text everyday if you don’t see or call her. You owe your boyfriend (husband) a call after he is done pitching his project to an investor. You owe your friends support when they are doing something worthy. You owe your CHOSEN family and friends commitment.

DISCLOSURE: please, know your limit as a friend. Do not video call someone’s husband (boyfriend) or wife (girlfriend) by midnight and expect them to pick your call because they owe you listening ears. Always put the person’s situation in mind. Always remember your friends have a life that may not involve you.

I will leave you with these words:

If you are a priority, they would make time for you anyway they can but always remember to be considerate.

 

Thank you for reading. Wash your hands and stay safe!

38 thoughts on “Commitment in friendships; is it a thing?”

  1. What i don’t realize is in reality how you are not actually a lot more well-preferred than you
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    produced me for my part consider it from numerous varied angles.
    Its like women and men aren’t fascinated until it is something to do with Lady gaga!

    Your personal stuffs outstanding. Always deal with it up!

  2. You actually make it appear so easy together with your presentation but I find
    this matter to be actually one thing which I feel I might by no means understand.
    It kind of feels too complex and very huge for me.
    I’m having a look forward for your next submit, I’ll
    try to get the cling of it!

  3. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something that I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get
    the hang of it!

  4. Hi Yvonne. I recently discovered your blog, by accident and I ‘stumbled’ on this post. It’s very timely for me. I’m the sort of person who is deeply introverted and guarded. I have a close circle of friends that honestly, I can do much more for. However,I’m also that girl that copes with stress by shutting off and shutting out. It’s become a sort of reflex that unwittingly I have extended to my closest friends as well. I’m trying to stop this avoidance mechanism but it’s really hard. Any advice, please?

  5. Baby girl, thanks for this wonderful write up… I think being intentional with friends go a long in building a solid relationship…

    It’s a gbas gbos something…

  6. Baby girl thanks for this wonderful write up… I think being intentional with friends go a long way in building a solid relationship…. It’s a gbas gbos something

  7. Hey Justin! Welcome back. So my theme is uptown style. I just went to your page and yeah, it’s pretty slow. So try to use different themes and see which works best for you.
    I’m in day …. of social distancing today. Washing my hands and all, I hope you do the same.
    Stay safe and let’s see how it goes.
    Thank you😊😊❤

  8. Yvonne where have you been all my life😩😩
    You write so beautifully well and oh yes I’ve surely learnt a thing or two from here. It has made me realize that I have a lot of work to do also in creating good relationships and commitments with friends.
    Thank you for this and I can’t wait for the next post🥰🥰😇

    1. All your life? First, I was in my parents and in January 2017, I came to UNN😊.

      Yeah, we all have to be conscious about things like this. Everybody wants to move with the flow but we can all benefit from defined relationships.

      Thank youuuuu and you’re welcome.
      Hopefully, you’ll be back here next week😊

  9. Omo, I recently started this stuff of not checking up on people or leaving chats unread for days. I feel really bad now but at the same time enlightened.
    Thanks YvoNNE

  10. Yvonne, there’s no feature to LIKE or appreciate this post? You should have gotten thousands of LIKES for this awesome piece of write-up. Keep it up! You’re a great writer.

  11. Long time supporter, and thought I’d drop a comment.

    Your wordpress site is very sleek – hope you don’t mind me asking
    what theme you’re using? (and don’t mind if I steal it?
    :P)

    I just launched my site –also built in wordpress like yours– but the theme slows (!) the site down quite a bit.

    In case you have a minute, you can find it by searching for “royal cbd” on Google (would appreciate any feedback)
    – it’s still in the works.

    Keep up the good work– and hope you all take care of yourself during the coronavirus scare!

    1. Hey Justin! Welcome back. So my theme is uptown style. I just went to your page and yeah, it’s pretty slow. So try to use different themes and see which works best for you.
      Your page is really beautiful. I love the pictures. They are really nice and I like how you made obvious the consenting of just adults.

      I’m in day …. of social distancing today. Washing my hands and all, I hope you do the same.
      Stay safe and let’s see how it goes.
      Thank you😊😊❤

  12. Wowwww this is awesome and I won’t deny the fact I learnt so many lessons here.
    I just discovered most friends I have are circumstancial, tho they probably could’ve been my choice if I was given a chance to choose. Still, I got to do more choosing than letting circumstances choose for me!!
    Most importantly, I need to do more of keeping in touch with and staying committed to the people I love.
    Thanks Yvonne, Prisca blabs a lot bout youuuuuuuu, she’s gonna kill me for saying this😂😂

    1. Yeah, if you don’t think about it, you may never find out. The thing is circumstances helps us meet people but our moving on with does people in relationships shouldn’t be because of those circumstances. It should be because of your conscious effort.
      😂😂she’s a big fan actually. I need to write that girl an autograph to calm her balls😂

  13. This is amazing, Yvonne. Friends really have to make time for each other and if they can’t, an explanation has to be given……..and I can’t help but feel very guilty right now 😥 because these days, I’ve become one of those people who do not check up on friends and who don’t give substantial reasons for it.
    Thanks for the article, it has made me realize that I have some work to do on myself and my relationship with my friends.
    Thanks again and I love youuuuuuuu.

  14. I really loved this. I’ve had someone I call my best friend call me out on this before and to be honest I haven’t really changed much. More n 90 percent of my friends are circumstantial tbh , if not for school I wouldn’t have met them and outside of the circumstances surrounding how we met. We don’t really have much to talk about. I’ll pray too like Salem advised and try to be committed to the friendship

    1. Funny how the prayer thing works wonders. I think one of the reasons it does is that you praying about it daily helps put it in your mind. And because it is part of you, you make conscious effort towards finding a solution to it.😊

      We really need to do better because we all deserve better❤

  15. Well, It comes with the saying that we can’t see ourselves when we’re in the frame.
    Until you’ve put yourself in a situation, one might not know what it takes to sacrifice.

    Someone that’s working on herself cannot, cannot make others priority at that point of their lives. Sometimes their family suffers from these kinda decisions. You can’t give what you don’t have- some pple life is consumed by survival that they can’t have the time YET. And it’s very normal

    It’s a complex world out there and it’s time the writer start digging deep beyond best case scenarios.

    1. Exactly, that’s why I always emphasize context. Context should matter at all point.

      Yeah, that’s very true. That’s also another reason why you need to make conscious effort to know your friends and be there for them. Cause if you do those things, then, when they a lack of commitment, you would know the reason for it.

  16. This!!! Honestly, commitment is one thing am learning in my friendships…I’m learning to be so intentional with friends, check up on them ( even started making reminders to do so😂)
    Thank you for this Yvonne.

    1. People forget commitment in friendships and only give relevance to commitment in intimate relationships. We really have to do better because we deserve better. Thank you so much and you are welcome😊❤

  17. This!!! Honestly, commitment is one thing am learning in my friendships…I’m learning to be so intentional with friends, check up on them ( even started making reminders to do so😂)
    Thank you for this Yvonne.

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